Featured photo by @nilsbritwum on instagram
”You don’t look like a Nigerian” he said. He sat down without permission and polluted the air around me with an acrid smell of whiskey and cheap perfume. I didn’t smile, I kept pressing my phone, ignoring him, thinking he would take a hint and leave me alone, he didn’t.
“Are you from all these Arab countries or shuarab?” He asked. This time he got my attention, I laughed, I look nothing like Arab or whatever, I know this, he knows this and so I laugh and look at him, “NO” I tell him. Maybe he is worth a talk I think to my myself.
He nods and says “it must be your eyes, even if you are Nigerian, your eyes is certainly not Nigerian” I don’t reply but he has my attention now. “What’s your name?” He goes on to ask.
I think for a second and then I tell him. “Salmah”
“Sayna?” He cannot pronounce it well.
“S-A-L-M-A- Salma” I spell it out for him
“Ahhh, okay… Salmah, very nice.. very nice, I’m wale”
“Nice to meet you, wale”
He was not even a fine man, he was not ugly, but he wasn’t my kinda fine, bald head, bushy beards, his tummy was too big too and he had a funny posture. I sized him up, I couldn’t tell if he was rich or average, he had a car though, his car keys were dangling from his fingers. One thing was sure, his dress sense was below average, for someone who was already sprouting white hairs everywhere in sight, a short and a body fitting shirt was a “no no” no matter the occasion.
“Are you a student?” This was wale.
“No, I’m a civil servant” I said smugly, that took him by surprise. I like the way it took him by surprise.
“Okay salmah, can I have your number, I’d love to give you a call sometime and perhaps take you out on a date”
“On a date?” He amused me. “Okay then”
I gave him my number and he flashed me.
“Save my number” he said and then he left, just like he came, without permission.
I didn’t save his number, I didn’t even remember him, he called me that very day at 11:00 pm and wanted to talk. I told him it was late and I needed to sleep, he said he just wanted to find out if I would be free the next day to go out with him, I said yes, I would be free, he promised to call the next day.
Wale called at 1:30 pm the next day, I was driving. “Where are you?” Am coming to gwarimpa now, can you meet me there”
“Okay, where in gwarimpa”
“Uh, my friend’s place”
“Your friends’s place?”
“Yeah, it’s a restaurant at 1st avenue or so”
“Okay, I can meet you, but not immediately, I’m going somewhere right now”
“Okay, me too am just leaving the house, I will call you when I’m there”
“Okay, that’s perfect, what’s the name of the restaurant?”
“Okay, it’s at 1st avenue, the name is ojuelegba”
“Ojuelegba, ojuelegba restaurant, when I get there I will call you, so that I can direct you to the place”
My friend was beside me all the while me and wale talked on phone. I told her he wanted to take me to a restaurant called ‘ojuelegba’ what kind of a restaurant is named ‘ojuelegba’ she said maybe it was just for culture, maybe it was a really nice place. I would google it and see, I said, if it was a sensible place then it would definitely be on google.
It was on google, but it was not a sensible place, it was an “amala” joint. Mind you I said joint, not restaurant, my date was going to take me to an “amala” joint on our first date.
He called again after an hour, I had by then gone to the mall, the conversation went as thus..
“I am at the place now, can you start coming?” Wale said.
“Actually, I can’t. I’m at the mall”
“What’s happening at the mall? Any better? (Pidgin)
“No, am just shopping for a few things, can you meet me at the mall instead”
“(After five seconds of thinking) uh… okay, let me call you back”
Wale did not call back and I left the mall, typical, he probably thought I wanted to “eat his money” that’s why I asked him to the mall. I didn’t bother with him, I don’t bother with people that think an “amala” joint is the ideal place to take a woman on the first date. He called me the next day again.
“Hello Arabian princess” He sounded happy. No apologies for the previous day.
“Hy” I said unable to hide my irritation.
He didn’t seem to notice cause he went on in his merry tune. “Can we meet at that same place today?”
At this point, I’m shook. “Why do we have to meet at that place”
“Ah ah, baby, where do you want us to meet”
Now, I’m completely angry, why was this man calling me baby. That in my opinion was the height of insolence. “You know what? I can’t meet you right now, how about later, I’m busy now” I tell him.
“Ahh, baby why later, I have to take my wife to the clinic by 5… can we…”
I interrupt him here.. “Wait, I didn’t hear you, what?”
“I said I have to take my wife to the clinic later so now would be better for us to meet”
“You have a wife?….”
What is your one weird toaster experience?
This post is just for the laughs, would you like more posts like this?