I’m not sure how I feel about men. And love.
I used to be indifferent, then at one point I wanted them, next I really wanted them and at one point I hated their guts and then I just became weary, and now I just simply do not know how I feel about men. And love. Half of me will always suspect they are up to no good; Again both. And please feel free to use these two words interchangeably. There is only so much disappointment one can take before finally calling it quits. Right? And yet, the optimist in me still believes, still hopes that somewhere, somehow truelove awaits, waiting to find me.
I’ve met many men.
Lol. At such a young age, I suppose that sounds like a dreadful thing to say out loud but it’s true. I have in fact met many men who were interested in me and many men who I was interested in, so many I could hardly list all their names or remember all their faces. Many of them were terrible, absolutely dreadful people that had me quaking and cursing the day love was ever found. Oh but some where so wonderful, it almost made up for the frightful list of disappointing souls I had to endure. So wonderful that they still remain loosely a part of my life as friends; friendships that grew where romance could not.
Looking back at some of my experiences, I’ve definitely learnt a few lessons and the most recents being…
Love has no expectations
I’ve always been outspoken and some may even say, aggressively loud on how I wanted people to be, to behave. Be smarter, More attentive. Romantic. More accessible; The list is endless really. But love is love. Love has no expectations or better put, my expectations were just requirements for accepting someone and had nothing to do with love. Love just loved the way it is. Over time I’ve found myself becoming increasingly susceptible to accepting people the way they are. And that is how I know, that indeed is what love is.
Love doest always mean continuity
Quoting Ursula from the little mermaid “So sad, But true” There are many reasons relationships just don’t workout. It could be compatibility, understanding, beliefs, health risks; It’s just what it is, breaking up doesn’t usually mean love stops. Sometimes, unfortunately, it even becomes that love becomes even stronger. But does that mean I and said person were meant to be? No. And I’ve had to learn this particular lesson, the hard way.
I’ve had to face it. We’re all different. Even identical twins aren’t exactly the same, and even my eyebrows are not identical. People have different experiences and opinions about the world. And love doesn’t care. What makes me feel loved_ Words, Acts of Service, Giving Gifts, Spending Time Together, and Touch_ can and may likely vary from what makes the other person feel loved. How people give and take love varies.
Love can hurt sometimes, and that’s ok
Another sad unfortunate but true moment here. Love can hurt like a bitch. Sorry. And during sane calm moments like this, I remind my self of all the pain and hurt I’ve been through and how here it is I’m still sitting here writing. So in the moments where I feel like I’m going to die, it hurt so bad I wanted to tear my own heart out just so that it would stop the pain. I breathe and remember. It’s okay to hurt. And most importantly, you’ll be okay.
There is no magic formula for
Time and again, I’ve found myself googling ‘how to … my boyfriend’ cringes. Here’s the thing I’ve learnt. There is no formula. I’ve loved different people in different ways and have been loved in so many different ways and_ yes, you guessed it_ they have been just as beautiful and real as they were different. There are no rules you get to make up your own rules. Don’t play by someone else’s.
LOVE IS NOT THE ENEMY
People are. And that includes myself sometimes.
And so at the end of the day, while I may not know how I feel about love. And men. I know this for sure; whatever happens with a man, however my heart is broken or battered, I will always be absolutely fine.